"I don't feel like a writer anymore."
Clearly I was in full crisis when I had sent those words via text message to an author friend of mine. The previous night had been a tumultuous writing session, which had ended with a word count of 65 and a restless, dreamless sleep. I’d been unhappy with what I had written, feeling sick upon realizing the ever-slow, dangerous decline in writing I’d somehow sent myself into. After all, I hadn’t written much since 2020—and now I wasn’t sure I wanted to write period.
Once Upon a Time
Storytelling has been in my blood for as long as I remember. When I was a little girl, I used to write five “books” a day in a flurry of construction paper, staples, and Crayola. My mail carrier probably had no idea how to react to a kindergartner rushing toward her to offer a selection from her “library,” a worn-out cardboard box filled to the brim with colored paper. Nonetheless, she made her selection with the friendliest of smiles. I boldly informed her she could renew the four-page book next week if she wanted to read it again.
I loved to exercise my creativity and stretch my imagination, those little paper books honing my love for story. I placed top three in a creative writing contest in third grade and got published. This stoked my desire to write, and I dove even further into the world of words. From fifth grade onwards, this was my identity: the writer. I discovered computers and began to pump out measly 100-word chapters, hanging onto every word until I had finished two novellas. I found community.
Impending Doom
At the peak of midwinter, January of 2020, I finished my first full-length novel. Riding on the glorious high of writing “The End,” I began to work on a second book. I wrote furiously, faster than I had ever written before. The story felt so alive, it was practically flowing out of my fingertips as images of characters and other worlds danced with glittering clarity in my head.
As I wrote more and more, I began to feel that things were somehow spinning out of my control. The images in my head lost their initial allure. The words felt dull. Why did I feel less interested in writing all of a sudden? Why does it feel like my story isn’t quite mine anymore? When and how did this even start? The disinterest grew. I stopped writing for months, dismissing it with “I just don’t have time like I used to.”
When I tried to pick it back up the next spring, that same disinterest cascaded on me like a tidal wave. That writing session produced those loathsome 65 words, but it had yielded nothing. My eyes strained as I looked at my screen. Abruptly the thought appeared, articulated for the first time ever:
"Why don't I feel like I'm a writer?"
I found I couldn’t answer, held down by the recent disinterest—and the dread that came with feeling like one of my life’s greatest passions had been snuffed out in the span of only a few months. That just couldn’t be possible. My dear friend assured me that maybe I needed a true break, or maybe my writing style was changing, and I was trying to drag it back to an old style that wasn’t me anymore. In the middle of this “writer’s existential crisis,” I felt comforted and hopeful.
Yet the ultimate blow was here to stay. I had simply, somehow, fallen out of love with writing—at least for the time being—and I came to accept it. I soon quit trying so hard to write so I could make room for a new passion: helping other authors.
Revelation
Although I had stopped writing my beloved stories, I found I couldn’t stop thinking about that awful decline into quitting. It plagued me; I couldn’t understand it. I remembered that at some point I’d felt like I was losing control of my story, yet I had planned out the story’s plot before I had even begun writing it. What had changed between plotting and writing that last chapter? I’d stuck with the plan the entire time with only a little flexibility. The only thing that I knew changed was that I had no interest in writing altogether. That wasn’t the writing’s fault, and it certainly wasn’t something I had done to myself—right?
I began to notice other authors experiencing similar bouts. Writer’s block is something I’m sure we’ve all experienced! But I noticed that some of these authors started to feel almost fatigued by their own writing. They felt like nothing they tried worked to relieve themselves of this newfound weariness, feeling just as I had that their story randomly seemed to lack its previous luster. Everyone experienced this a little differently, but I noticed one trend: no one truly knew how to get out of this seemingly chronic rut. Some had what felt like breakthroughs, but they turned out to be temporary. The weariness with their work returned. Others quit writing early into what could have perhaps been a professional career.
How can our life's work lose its grip on us so suddenly?
Being in the writing community exposed me to so many similar situations other people were going through. Once I began working for authors, this exposure only increased—except this time, I felt as if I had a better understanding of how a “writer” actually functions. One day, as I reminisced on an old chapter I’d written when I’d been passionate, I thought back to my clients. I thought back to my writer friends. I thought back to every book I’d ever read, especially the ones that had left me dissatisfied.
There! Right under my nose was what I came to call “Book Botany.”
Book Botany
What I discovered was a two-sided coin, each side serving to describe a way I might think about my story. This coin was similar to “plotter, panster, and planster,” but it wasn’t just going to help me categorize myself. Understanding how I function as a writer opened the door for me to diagnose issues I may be facing, improve those issues by striving for balance, and avoid those issues in future writings.
In the free personality test I offer (Book Botany: A Personality Test for Authors), I introduce the two sides of the coin. The first side is the Scribe. The Scribe records events that happen in their story. To them, the story and its characters seem alive, organic. Characters can seem to act out of turn, and the Scribe may feel like it’s watching what happens outside of their control rather than watching what they planned to happen. They tell stories.
On the other hand, the Artist crafts and expresses events that happen in their story rather than simply recording them. They have a tendency to plan more so that their art stays that: an art. They are storytellers.
I returned to my old story, dismayed to find a huge imbalance in my work. I realized that I had swung way too far on the Scribe side and had lost sight of the storytelling aspect of writing.
Finding the right balance for my story is what I needed to do.
This discovery of mine felt so simple—almost too good to be true!
Happily Ever After
I still don’t feel up to writing like I used to. In fact, I still use the same excuse: I don’t have the time. I love what I do when it comes to helping other authors, whether through editing or graphic design, and I know that working with writers is really where my heart lies. Despite that, I can’t help myself from coming up with new story ideas or maybe even trying to write a little, just as an inspired treat. I still think it would be lovely to publish the book I finished back in 2020 someday, though I’m content with the idea of keeping it to myself. I wrote it for me, after all, at a time when I really needed it. It served its beautiful purpose even if that’s the only one it ever gets.
However...in the event I do ever take up serious writing again...Book Botany is something that’s helped me feel so much more prepared to write a book. It won’t fix the disinterest. It won’t fix the writer’s block. But it will help you understand yourself.
Part of the reason I felt down in a rut for so long was because I could never figure out the reason. Why do I feel like my story lacks the luster it first had? Why don’t the words feel effective anymore? Readers and writers, maybe figuring out the “how”—how you usually operate—is a good way to figure out the “why,” and maybe that can help guide you in the right direction toward loving your book baby again.
What Has Your Journey Looked Like?
What has your writing journey looked like? Have you experienced or are you experiencing bouts of stubborn writer’s block?
Welcome to my writer's journey, and welcome to my blog! We're going to be looking at the idea of Book Botany this new year in depth.